Got your popcorn? Your 3-D glasses? Your Hulk Hands from the early 2000’s so you can get a taste of what it’s like to be as physically massive and scary as Dan Campbell — er, the Hulk, I mean?

I hope so because the time has come. It’s the NFL Head Coach Fight Club finale!

I’ve divided the finale into two parts for ease of reading — this segment for the opening round and part four for the real finale, all the high-stakes fights. 

I’d paint a pretty intro here, but let’s be honest — we all want to get into the beautiful pandemonium and bizarre scenarios that make up a fight club. Plus, we’ve got the entire bracket to get through. So without any delay, let’s jump into the first round of the bouts and get READY TO RUMBLE… 

First Round: AFC side

— #1 Vrabel vs. #8 Belichick: Vrabel heads into the fight as the heaviest favorite the world has seen since the Monstars faced off against Tune Squad in Space Jam, but just as the bell rings, something odd happens: a gang of masked hoodlums wearing vertical black and white stripes appear and start attacking Vrabel (Belichick, of course, denies any involvement in their appearance. Belichick cackles to himself as the bandits close in on Vrabel, but the physical specimen dispatches the entire crew in little to no time and moves onto the Patriots head coach. Belichick pulls a prison shank from… somewhere, as Vrabel closes in, but drops the weapon and shakes in terror as the towering giant closes in for a perfect form tackle. Moments later, the fight ends, and Vrabel cruises onto round two.

— #2 Flores vs. #7 Stefanski: Leading up to the fight, both coaches use their cool demeanor to study tape on each other’s tendencies, and early on, Stefanski puts up a fight against the higher-seeded Flores. Eventually, Flores’ icy stare can slow and intimidate even Kevin “cool as a cucumber” Stefanski. His pent up rage from the Bengals game comes out as he dispatches the seven-seed with a vicious right hook to end the fight. Stone Cold Brian Flores advances.

— #3 Saleh vs. #6 Reid: There was much speculation coming into this fight given Saleh’s impressive physical stature and Reid’s unrivaled record when given extra time to scout his opponent. Reid emerges from the tunnel wielding a spatula as a weapon and keeps Saleh at bay with it early on. After several minutes of being thwarted and eager to prove he’s no gentle giant, Saleh goes into a crazed temper tantrum and charges at Reid. The BBQ-loving head coach unleashes a sonic burp just as Saleh connects with his belly with all of his weight, and the blast coupled with the elasticity of Reid’s belly sends Saleh flying into the ropes and knocks him unconscious. With the first upset of the tourney, Big Red moves onto the second round. 

— #4 Tomlin vs. #5 McDermott: Thanks to his aforementioned sparring practice that played into his seeding, McDermott can start the fight with an early advantage and connects on several quick shots right into Tomlin’s face. The last blow of the flurry shatters Tomlin’s aviators, and the coach looks down in horror at his busted spectacles. Then, Tomlin’s upper lip curls in a show of unadulterated rage as he slowly turns a steely gaze upwards into McDermott’s face. After the wake-up call, Tomlin makes short work of his foe to advance, and it isn’t pretty. His aviators, however, are no more. 

First Round: NFC side

— #1 Campbell vs. #8 Kingsbury: In an intriguing twist heading into the lopsided fight, the Hulk Campbell requests that there be no media members present so that audiences are spared the inevitable carnage of Campbell pulling Kingsbury apart limb by limb. The two competitors meet outside the arena for their fight and go inside, but thirty minutes later, Kingsbury is spotted leaving out the back door, looking healthy and heading for his car as Campbell emerges out the front. There is speculation that Kliff paid off Campbell to stage the fight, and there may be other shady business going on behind the scenes, but for now, Campbell advances to round two. DolphinsTalk’s investigative journalists are working on getting details. 

— #2 Smith vs. #7 Carroll: Upset alert. The bell rings, and Carroll bounds out of his corner, chomping ferociously on an entire pack of Big League Chew. Smith, towering over Carroll, lumbers from his corner with the intent to land a quick knockout blow. As the giant approaches, Carroll unloads a machine-gun barrage of chewed gum aimed right at Arthur’s face. A step slow compared to his playing days, Arthur can’t dodge the hailstorm and becomes completely incapacitated when pieces land right on each eyeball. His foe now vulnerable, Carroll bounces in and throws a flurry of punches in such short succession that his hands blur out as if in a cartoon. A few seconds later, the hands stop, and a black and blue Smith slumps to the mat. Still chewing on gum that is no longer in his mouth, Carroll exits the ring and advances to the next round. 

— #3 Judge vs. #6 LaFleur: After not receiving much publicity all week, the bout between ragey Joe Judge and underdog Matt LaFleur ends up being a fun one. LaFleur uses the example of his brother Peter to dodge, duck, dip, dive, and… dodge his way to an early advantage. Judge even throws several wrenches as makeshift projectiles, but LaFleur proves too shifty for such shenanigans. Apparently frustrated, something suddenly snaps inside Judge, and his eyes burn red as an inferno. With an unsettling air of determination, he sets his jaw and strides straight for LaFleur, backing him into a corner. Given no space to evade the savage punches now being thrown, LaFleur crumples in a matter of seconds while steam begins to emerge from Judge’s ears. As Judge advances to the second round of fights, some awe-inspiring anger boils deep inside him. 

— #4 McCarthy vs. #5 McVay: McCarthy claims all week long at pre-fight pressers that he’s been meticulously studying analytics on McVay’s fighting stance and style, leading bettors to favor him in the early going. However, just before the fight, news breaks that McCarthy had completely lied about studying just to attain a higher seed. During the fight, the lie becomes obvious — McCarthy is sluggish and cumbersome in the ring, unsure of himself and his opponent. McVay, meanwhile, his hair slicked back and looking as hedgehog-ish as ever, dodges McCarthy’s timid jabs and closes within his impressive reach to land crisp blows every few seconds. After only sixty seconds, McCarthy’s conditioning fails him, and he submits to McVay after the smaller coach plants an uppercut right on McCarthy’s chin. The hedgehog advances to the next round.

With the first round of the bracket complete, tune into live coverage of the next round of fights and the finale here, complete with more intrigue, bad humor, and an upset for the ages.