In case you thought it would never arrive, the true finale of NFL Head Coach Fight Club is upon us. 

If you’re just tuning in for the first time and want to start from the beginning, here are links to the previous parts of fight club — I’d recommend at least starting with part three to see how the first round of fights went down:

Part one: AFC Seeding

Part two: NFC Seeding

Part three: Round One Fights 

Many storylines so far in the tourney — can Dan Campbell finish the job as the favorite? Does Brian Flores have what it takes? Which underdog between Sean McVay and Pete Carroll will be able to advance?

Bur without further adieu, and before Joe Judge hurts someone from getting impatient, let’s tune into the fights and GET READY TO RUMBLEEEEE…

Divisional Round: AFC side

— #1 Vrabel vs. #6 Reid: As the bell rings, the two giants close in on one another, but something bizarre happens — they spontaneously break into an arm wrestling competition to decide the winner, each convinced of his own massive strength. Shockingly, Vrabel underestimates the formidable power within Reid’s rather stout frame and is soon on the verge of losing the battle. Remembering his willingness to sacrifice a limb in the name of victory, however, Vrabel abruptly and purposefully dislocates his shoulder. The sudden give in tension sends Reid tumbling with nothing to hang onto but Vrabel’s noodle arm, and the gutsy Titans head coach seizes the opportunity to get behind Big Red and puts him in a vise-like headlock. Within seconds Reid taps, and the fight ends. Vrabel moves on after a gutsy win, but the cost of victory was great given his shoulder condition. 

— #2 Flores vs. #4 Tomlin: His eyes set in an icy stare, Flores growls to Tomlin, “this time, no tanking.” The bell signals the beginning of the fight, and the two circle each other, studying, looking for an advantage to exploit. Then, Flores notices something. With his aviators gone because of Sean McDermott in round one, Tomlin seems hesitant, a hairless confident than before. Tomlin throws a series of errant hooks, and Flores flashes a predatory grin to his opponent. He rears back and takes two bounding steps towards Tomlin with the ferocity of a lion, taking him off the ground and slamming him back down with a perfect form tackle. With Tomlin out cold, Flores sets his sights on the AFC Championship round against a hobbled Mike Vrabel.

Divisional Round: NFC side

— #1 Campbell vs. #3 Judge: In perhaps the most shocking fight so far, the bout unfolds in a manner eerily similar to what Dan Campbell described in his introductory press conference: Judge manages to knock his opponent down, but on the way back up Campbell somehow manages to bite one of Judge’s kneecaps off. Back on his feet, Campbell is toppled by two more punches from Judge, whose rage is building once more. Campbell takes Judge’s other kneecap off with his teeth on the ground. By now, Judge’s eyes are burning red again, and the steam is already spewing from his ears. Most men would be incapacitated after losing both kneecaps, but Joe Judge is apparently incapable of feeling pain. The infuriated head coach, now standing about a foot shorter than before, shuffles over to a shocked Dan Campbell and delivers a savage knockout blow to Campbell’s solar plexus that leaves the one-seed gasping for air. In a shocking turn of events, Campbell is knocked out of the tournament while Joe Judge — and all his unresolved issues — advance. 

— #5 McVay vs. #7 Carroll: In the fight between the heaviest underdogs in the tournament, Carroll resorts to his patented “machine-gum” approach and unleashes a rapid burst of Big League Chew. However, the hedgehog head coach of the Rams is much more agile than Mike McCarthy, who fell victim to Carroll’s craftiness in round one. McVay dodges all of the sticky projectiles, and with Carroll out of ammunition, the two duke it out in a classic boxing match. Because of his age and superior conditioning, McVay outlasts Carroll and, in a pleasant surprise, advances to the NFC Championship. 

AFC Championship

— #2 Flores vs. #1 Vrabel: In an astounding show of sportsmanship, Flores agrees to tie one arm behind his back to even the odds on the fight. With Flo using only one arm and Vrabel sporting a noodle arm thanks to Andy Reid, the fight commences. In short order, Vrabel manages to overpower Flores and get him into a one-armed headlock, where he whispers in Flores’ ear, “thanks for Ryan Tannehill, chump.” Flores’ icy eyes suddenly change to fiery orbs, and he exclaims with a prodigious roar, “IT’S TUA TIME!” Suddenly filled with strength, Flores gets to his feet, plucks Vrabel off from behind him, and in one herculean show of strength spins in several circles before sending Vrabel flying out of the ring. Stone Cold Brian Flores recollects himself, dusts the dirt off his sleeves, and advances to the Super Bowl.

NFC Championship

— #3 Judge vs. #5 McVay: All week before the bout, Judge declines all press availability and is reportedly seen foaming at the mouth while training in his office. When the fight kicks off, and Joe Judge enters the ring, he’s as mad as the world has ever seen. What’s odd is that not only is McVay waiting for him in the ring, but so is Kliff Kingsbury — having indeed paid off Dan Campbell to stage the bout with him in the first round, Kingsbury soon received a call from his good pal Sean McVay to give him a hand against the animal known as Joe Judge. The infraction sends Judge even deeper into his state of maniacal rage, but McVay and Kingsbury’s rapport makes them a formidable duo. With the fight slipping away from him, Judge suddenly remembers something — his inordinately large calves. Have you ever seen a spinning calf-kick before? Me neither, but this is exactly what a desperate Joe Judge pulls off to dispatch both foes at once and move onto the Super Bowl. 

**Super Bowl**

— Brian Flores vs. Joe Judge: All week before the fight, Flores is the picture of quiet intensity in his pressers and is seen watching game tape from the 2020 Bengals game around the clock. Meanwhile, reports surfaced of Judge apparently howling at the moon and looking especially shaggy throughout the week. The mood surrounding the fight is tense, and something seems amiss leading up to the opening bell. Sure enough, just as the bell rings, a booming laugh fills the arena, and a ghostly apparition of Dan Campbell manifests itself at the center of the ring. In a turn of events that can only be compared to the ghost of Stonewall Jackson’s appearance in Anchorman 2, Campbell appears in a helmet and shoulder pads, wielding a bright orange yardage marker as a weapon. Judge’s rage proves to be no match for the shadowy figure, and neither is Flores’ hard determination. One after the other, the ghost dispatches each. In a perfect end to what has been at times a bizarre and fantastic tournament, Dan Campbell’s ghostly figure appears from nowhere to capture the NFL Head Coach Fight Club title. 

Winner: The Ghost of Dan Campbell 

 

(Thanks for reading, and remember — the first rule of this fight club is actually to tell all your friends, so they read, too. If you want more content — about football and not necessarily fight club — give me a follow on Twitter @EvanMorris72)