Tired of the Deshaun Watson rumors? Or the weird fixation on Tua’s uneven rookie season? Or the fact that both Brady and the Bills have made it to the cusp of the Super Bowl?
Me too — so I have an idea.
And it’s a pretty great one, I must say.
There’s been a lot of good-natured conjecture in recent months about which NFL head coach would win in a battle-royale style face-off, everyone versus everybody. Of course, Miami Dolphins fans know that Brian Flores would likely be a force to be reckoned with in any tussle. So I got to thinking, why doesn’t somebody actually write about what would happen if this grotesque daydream of NFL coaches duking it out came to fruition?
Probably because they were waiting for the right man for the job, and I, ladies and gentlemen, am the right man for the job.
So set your Tua or Watson prejudices aside, cast your Brady-back-in-the-Super-Bowl-watching woes away, and throw off the doldrums of the never-ending pandemic around us.
Cause it’s time for fight club!
Part one will break down the AFC seedings for the NFL Head Coach Fight Club with a short description of each of the competitors. The Club will feature untimed, one-on-one bouts that end either when one participant taps out or is KO’ed. There are no moral victories in this tournament, and no doubt about the winner in each round.
Because there are a whopping 32 coaches, and that would take far too long to break down (plus no one wants to see a high seed like Brian Flores beat up on a nice guy like Ron Rivera), we’ll only be including the top sixteen coaches into the Club — eight from each conference, set up in a classic March Madness-style bracket.
Part two will break down the bracket’s NFC side, while part three will focus on the actual outcome of the tourney.
For now, read on to see where the dangerous AFC competitors (especially Stone Cold Brian Flores) fall in the bracket.
Without further adieu, let’s get into it.
AFC-SIDE COACHES AND SEEDINGS:
— #1 seed: Mike Vrabel, Tennessee Titans, age 45 (height: A, build: A, intangibles: A); If you took Lions head coach Dan Campbell and gave him a brother that coaches in the AFC and is equally scary, you’d get Mike Vrabel. The man once said he’s cut off his you-know-what if it meant a Super Bowl victory, so his intangibles are off the chart. Otherwise, Vrabel also has professional playing experience and is overall just a huge dude, so he makes for a perfect one-seed.
— #2 seed: Brian Flores, Miami Dolphins, age 39 (height: B, build: A, intangibles: A); Dolphins fans, here he is — Stone Cold Brian Flores, looking to take all that rage from the Bengals game out on whoever has the misfortune of facing him in round one. Flores isn’t especially tall, but that bald head, icy stare, and predatory smile give him an air of menace when he wants. Flores doesn’t play games, comes from a rough area, and has football experience under his belt. He’s as good a two-seed as you’ll find and is looking to win it all.
— #3 seed: Robert Saleh, NY Jets, age 41 (height: A, build: A, intangibles: B); There’s a case to be made that Saleh should be the two-seed here because the guy is absolutely built, but am I biased towards Flores? You bet I am. However, to Saleh’s credit, he’s tall, strong, and bald (something about a naked head just makes me shudder). He’s been called a “gentle giant” before, though, so he’ll have to tap into that aggression we’ve seen from him on the sidelines to last in the tournament.
— #4 seed: Mike Tomlin, Pittsburgh Steelers, age 48 (height: B, build: B, intangibles: A); You already know Tomlin’s gonna roll up to round one wearing his dope aviator sunglasses, and that alone was enough to get him in the top half of the AFC bracket. Tomlin is also decently tall, has a good build, and knows how to flip a switch on game days. If he can box as well as he coaches, he may be a name to watch.
— #5 seed: Sean McDermott, Buffalo Bills, age 46 (height: C, build: B, intangibles: B); This one will surprise people, but McDermott is a relatively young and actually pretty cut-up. I also found an article online discussing how he’s actually spent a lot of time sparring and boxing to stay in shape so that he may put someone on upset alert in round one. Time will tell, but he’ll be competitive even as a five-seed.
— #6 seed: Andy Reid, Kansas City Chiefs, age 62 (height: A, build: D, intangibles: B); It’s not like I was seriously gonna exclude Big Red, conditioning concerns aside. Rumor has it that Andy Reid is undefeated in round one of fight clubs because of all the time to scout his opponent, but that’s unconfirmed. He’s tall, so his reach will be an asset, and he’s a smart cookie, but he’s not terribly mobile and may be helpless if his glasses get knocked off. To advance, Reid will have to keep his hands up, absorb some body blows, and try to land a home-run hit on his opponent.
— #7 seed: Kevin Stefanski, Cleveland Browns, age 38 (height: B, build: C, intangibles: B); One of the unassuming picks, Stefanski has been described as “cool” and “cerebral,” so a measured approach to his bout may be his key to success. Also working in his favor is his facial hair, which will likely scare NFC youngsters like Kingsbury and LaFleur with their patchy beards. He seems a tad skinny, so he’ll have to tread lightly in his first fight.
— #8 seed: Bill Belichick, New England Patriots, age 68 (height: C, build: D, intangibles: B); Now I could have put Zac Taylor in here instead of the AARP-eligible Belichick, but I don’t think anyone wants to see Taylor get folded like a lawn chair against AFC one-seed Mike Vrabel. We’d all much rather see Belichick have the honor. He may be old, pretty tubby nowadays, and a tad disheveled at times, but Belichick always has a trick up his sleeve and could make round one interesting, at least temporarily.
Read on here for the NFC seedings, and then keep an eye out for part three, coming out soon, to find out who will win the NFL Head Coaches Fight Club! May the odds be ever in your favor…
