My first reaction when I saw the Dolphins’ schedule for this season was, “We are winning every game,” but let’s be real, we are not going to win every game; it’s the NFL.

Anyway, after thinking about every game in the schedule, I have decided that the Dolphins will go 13-4 this season; that’s my prediction. I know it’s early to know for sure what’s going to happen and that there are always teams that are better than expected or worse than expected, but I think 13-4 is a fair prediction.

The Dolphins start the season at home against the Jaguars; I don’t have much to say about this game besides an easy win. Week 2 will be a Thursday Night Football game at home against the Bills. Yes, we have lost to the Bills too many times in recent years, but I think this one is ours. I really think we have a much better team than them this year, especially with all the players they have lost. But, at the end of the day, it’s a division rival, so it will be a close game, and the Dolphins will win.

Week 3 is the Dolphins’ first game on the road and first against an NFC team, The Seattle Seahawks. The Dolphins’ roster is just so much better. The Seahawks have a new Head Coach with much potential, but I still think the Dolphins will be too much for them. It’s an easy win.

In Week 4, the Dolphins return home for a game that brings us all bad memories: MNF against the Titans. Why do we have to play the Titans again on MNF? Couldn’t they make it on a Sunday? Anyway, I think the Dolphins beat the Titans this year.

In Week 5, the Dolphins are back on the road to play the Patriots. There is not much to analyze here. Tua has never lost against the Patriots, so it was an easy win. In Week 6, the Dolphins get a bye week. I think this is a little early for a bye week, but at least it’s between two road games, so the Dolphins get a good rest.

In week 7, the Dolphins will face off against the Colts in Indianapolis. This might be one of the trickiest games of the season. I think the Colts are better than some people think. In any case, the Dolphins are better, so it will be a good game and a close win for the Dolphins.

Week 8, the Dolphins are back in Miami to play against the Cardinals; the Cardinals suck, easy win.

Week 9 is the week I think the Dolphins lose their first game of the season. They will face off against the Bills in Buffalo at the beginning of November. People are saying that they are glad that it is in November because it might not be so cold, but again, it’s Buffalo, it might actually be freezing and snowing even in the beginning of November, you never know. But honestly, let’s not think too much about the weather; I think that the Dolphins will lose because I find it hard that they can beat the Bills twice a season after they have schooled the Dolphins for the last couple of years.

Week 10, the Dolphins will travel to Los Angeles to face the Rams. The Rams are a team that could beat any team but could also lose against any team; they are a little unpredictable. But they don’t have Aaron Donald anymore, so I think the Dolphins will win that one.

Week 11, the Dolphins are back home to play the Raiders, the return of Christian Wilkins. The Raiders have a great coach, but they don’t really have a great Quarterback, so I think that will be a big factor in the game, Dolphins will win by a decent margin, but it won’t be a blowout, because the Raiders do have a great defense.

In Week 12, the Dolphins play the Patriots in Miami. Again, Tua has never lost against the Patriots, also the Patriots suck, another easy win for the Dolphins.

Week 13, the Dolphins will travel to Green Bay to play the Packers during Thanksgiving. I don’t like this game at all. It’s a short week on the road against the Packers, who might actually be good this season. This game also brings me bad memories of the last time the Dolphins played the Packers, which was also during a holiday (Christmas and Chanuka). Not only did the Dolphins lose that game, but Tua got a concussion and was sidelined for the remainder of the season, including the playoffs. I think they shouldn’t play the starters in this game for security reasons; I am just kidding. I don’t think the Dolphins can beat the Packers in Lambeau on Thanksgiving in a short week, so this is the Dolphins’ second loss of the season.

In Week 14, The Dolphins play the Jets in Miami. The Jets are the Jets, meaning they will always be terrible no matter what, and we own them. Even if Rodgers is healthy, the Dolphins will easily win this game.

In Week 15, the Dolphins will travel to Houston to play the Texans. This is a strong opponent. They have a very good offense and defense and a very good coach. This might be one of the most fun games of the season. It will be a close and not an easy one, but I ultimately think that the Dolphins team is a little more experienced than the Texans, who have a really young core, and the Dolphins will win.

In Week 16, the Dolphins return to Miami to face the 49ers. I think this is the only home game the Dolphins will lose this season. The 49ers are just a really good team, as we know, and it will be a close game, but I don’t see the Dolphins winning this one.

In Week 17, the Dolphins will be in Cleveland to play the Browns. This is another really good team. Their offense might not always be the best, but their defense is amazing. I think this is the only time in the season that the Dolphins have lost back-to-back games. This Sunday Night Football game on the road can potentially be the Dolphins’ coldest game of the season. I think it will be a close one, but the Dolphins will lose.

And for the last game of their regular season, the Dolphins will travel to New Jersey to play against a UFL team, the Jets. Again, the Jets are the Jets; we can beat them with our practice squad. I don’t care if it’s a cold game; it’s the Jets. Do you know what JETS stands for? Well, JETS is an acronym for “Jets Entire Team Sucks,” so yeah, I am not worried about the Jets. Easy win.

Well, those are my early predictions for the Dolphins’ 2024 regular season. Of course, many things will change once the season starts and every team starts getting injuries. We will also see which teams are surprisingly good or surprisingly bad. But ultimately, this is my prediction for now: 13-4. Win the Division and maybe the conference.


#FinsUp #GoFins (or whatever hashtag we are using now)

PS: I really loved the schedule release video; it was really funny.